Dutch E. Adams energy plan

Please support this guy's energy plan.



I wrote this concept and then brought it to my friends Adam McKay and Chris Henchy over at funnyordie.com. They got me connected with Lauren Palmigiano who set the whole thing up. (Thank you Lauren!) It was edited by the very talented Drew Antzis. This is the end result.

The original ending was written as such-- to include a celebrity but for this one-- but that was not in the cards for this one. Here is what I had in my noisy brain.

Orny walks past CELEBRITY on treadmill.

Orny
Put on a few pounds?

The CELEBRITY starts running faster. Orny winks to camera.

Orny
Useable energy.

The truth behind Napoleon and Waterloo

An ad in the LA Times today reveals the reason behind Napoleon's career ending loss at Waterloo.

Your weekly mishmash 10-10-08

Here's everything rattling around inside my brain this week.

Palm Springs Shower Shocker

A shower taught me something about myself.

Outraged badminton fans speak out!

Unbeknownst to me and most of the world (the sane world) there is a group of ardent, outspoken, defensive, devoid of senses of humor badminton fanatics... that are outright mean at times. There is no joking about badminton with these people-- it is their religion. I discovered this when I posted a video questioning the validity of badminton as an Olympic event. And for those of you that know me, it was done with a wink. But now it is on! Here is my reaction to their unrealistic reaction.

You'll be shocked to discover what was an Olympic event from 1912-1948 (unless you read the LA Times yesterday.)

Enjoy. Take a deep breath badminton fanatics and enjoy this one.

Brain Noise is NOW available on iTunes

I'm not too sure if this is a big deal or not. But it is still exciting. Go to iTunes store and search Orny Adams or Brain Noise and you can subscribe.

Badminton an Olympic Sport?

I was forced to play badminton at camp. I never took it seriously. Never thought it was sport. Is it?

Obama The Arugula Man

I didn't realize liberals were such wimps until I really sat down to think about it... here are my thoughts followed by Obama's latest campaign ad.

Kidney transplants and STOP charging us to check luggage

I'm up in San Francisco for a wedding and to do a benefit for a friend who is uninsured and defaulting on a kidney transplant. Of course my flight was delayed AGAIN. I am now booking myself on airlines that do not charge for luggage. Delta JUST doubled it's fee to check luggage. It is getting absurd. Two weeks ago an airline charged me to use the reading light. ( It is almost getting that bad.) JUST RAISE THE PRICE OF THE TICKETS!

Uncontained Laughter: The Stolen Sandwich

High crimes in Malibu. This is what happens when men act like boys. We stole some cute girl's sandwich to get her attention. It didn't work. But we got a huge laugh out of it. The clip may get a little confusing as a few other people come and go-- ignore them. Enjoy the laughter.

I divide the world again... with my hair

I get countless (about six) emails a year about my hair. It seems to be of concern to many of you (six a year). Some love it and some insist that I cut it. And to those six people (two are my parents and one is my sister) I dedicate this vlog. And then some don't say anything until I decide to cut it and then say, "It's about time." They're content letting me walk around looking stupid in their opinion. Good friends.

So... here is a vlog about my hair and why I'm getting it cut. I really enjoy shooting and editing these videos... and YES it is JUST ME and a camera... no one is shooting or helping me. Including while I drive. Which I better cut out for safety reasons and because on July 1st it will be illegal to drive and talk on a cell phone without a headset.. which means it will certainly be illegal to drive and shoot a video blog. And you know they will be on the lookout heavily starting July 1st.

Now, what I was trying to get into a moment ago was the self absorbed-ness of it all-- I feel that way a lot of the time when I shoot and post these... but many people seem to be really enjoying them... I'll do a vlog about that soon.

Enjoy my haircut, I look normal.

NYC vlog #3: June 25, 2008

Here is my final blog about my trip to NYC... well I have one more of me heading home to edit. I have 3 more to edit as matter of fact... so stay tuned. I greatly shortened this one-- I had all these clips of me running around from club to club, but it started to feel a bit self congratulatory. So I just put together some of my musings and amusing observations. Here is some more of me bumping into the world.

NYC vlog #2: June 20, 2008

More adventures in the city. I shot a blog and it all got deleted on my camcorder. I am off to find a NEW coffee shop. Enjoy.

NYC vlog #1: June 17, 2008

Here is my horrendous flight detailed and my first morning back in NYC back in the old-- neighborhood captured on tape. Caught my old doorman and mailman and of course Gay Al. That is what everybody calls him. He has been a fixture on the block FOREVER and lives in a rent controlled place for like $45 a month. And you have to be very gay in the west village to be the one on the block they call GAY. (That's what Vinnie the mailman tells me.) Off to explore the city.

What a Wonderful World remix

I am really hoping this is my last singing video. I hope I have gotten it all out of my system. (As do I suspect many of you.) This is basically an extension of a “Grand Old F**k”-- I recycled many of the same themes. What can I say, little has changed in the past few weeks—and I felt like singing again. Lately I’ve been working on my next Tonight Show and this mirrors many of the themes. Hopefully once I make that appearance, it will represent the final purge. I’m not a big fan of the F word—but in “Grand Old F**K” I was using it as a mechanism to grab people’s attention and then hit them with something perspicacious.

I took the two verse “What a Wonderful World” and made it six verses. It would’ve taken my fifteen more verses to say everything I wanted to say. As is, it already seems a few verses too long. The world is really NOT that bad, but it does seem a bit dismal these days. And I certainly feel when I was younger life was more innocent. We were naïve and ignorant—as youth should be. We discovered through experiences, many failed experiences, and not by googling.

We did not have this sense of entitlement. In “What a Wonderful World remix” I briefly comment on an aspect of contemporary life that boils me—the hurtful comments people make on message boards, blogs, and under my videos; I have fifteen year old kids criticizing my work—like they’re some sort of expert. A fifteen year old who’s greatest accomplishment is probably emptying the dishwasher telling me what I’m doing wrong? When I was a kid we had to take responsibility for our words. We didn’t have the internet— the space-- we had to say it face to face. And get punched. But zero accountability seems to be the trend. Not that fifteen year olds don’t deserve an opinion, but maybe they should accomplish something or put themselves out there in such a capacity and then express it. In other words, it’s OK to NOT say something too. What I am trying to say is, at least have a prom rejection under your belt before you write BLEH under my videos. The anonymous, drive by, hurling of insults has become a revered form of expression that I think will have later consequences for them in life… or at least I can hope so. I like justice. Careless opinions will get you no place fast—and the internet is habit forming. You can’t go through life just expecting to say whatever you want. The bigger problem created by the internet, kids start to think that their opinion even matters. Most of the time—OUR opinions DO not matter. WE are NOT supposed to know what everybody thinks about us!

Plenty of adults write hurtful things too—and often it seems to come from a sad place. I see plenty of individuals doing things I am not fond of, but I don’t feel the need to express it to them. Why are we trying to be so hurtful everybody?

I have been VERY fortunate lately—most of the time, people leave my stuff alone. That is the way I like it! If you don’t care for what I do—I don’t really care. So keep that in mind when you seek revenge for your own emptiness with the taps of a keyboard. I can also handle criticism, I have been a victim of plenty of it in the past. Through the years I have developed the temperament to cope with it. But in high school, I would’ve been a wreck if the internet was around and ADULTS were designing sites for kids to go on and defame each other. Honestly, I am more worried about this dark side of humanity than the high gas prices.

I create these videos for my friends and those that have continued to support me—the many that have reached out to me and encouraged. Enjoy them. These are not intended for the masses. So please share them quietly with those of like values and sensibilities. How the hell did I get off on this tangent… I sat down to write that I hope this is my last singing video and I started typing typing typing…??? COME ON O!

Want to lift your spirits? Watch the original Louis Armstrong version—I watched it about ten times to tried and mimic his non stop ear to ear smile. In two minutes, he smiles more than I have in all of 08. That is a gross exaggeration. But certainly more than January and February. I wanted to get a trumpet, hold it, and NOT play it like Louis did—but it seemed like too much work and then some fifteen year old buffoontard would slam me for it anyway… “bleh the trumpet… I want my four minutes back.” (Oh how original.)

Watch this guy and smile-- the world should be this way!

I got stuck in a belt yesterday

I got stuck in a belt yesterday. I was in a trendy store that I felt out of place in and... are you supposed to try the belt on before you buy it? I never see people trying them on and they don't let you take them into the dressing room. I always say the same thing when they tell me that, "Then how am I supposed to steal it?" And it NEVER gets a laugh. But it's one of those jokes I like to tell to amuse myself. Another one-- I tell woman I have the same purse-- never gets a laugh either-- but it's for me. This belt was some sort of cloth belt with a toothy clasp that in an odd way secured the cloth. Or rather, locked it down and I couldn't find the releasing mechanism. I have the old version of a clothy belt with a toothy clasp as pictured above.

Well, I just wanted a general idea of how big the belt was so I tried it on over my shirt like a girl in a Cyndee Lauper video. (Ignoring the ONE SIZE FITS ALL tag-- not buying into that! There is NO way one belt can fit every sized person!) Then the clothy thing wouln't unclasp. I was stuck. I panicked. My hands scrambling to find a release button or something. I felt claustrophobic. I was in the middle of the store-- the trendy store-- and I was pretty sure I didn't have the right sneakers on (I bought them 6 months ago). I imagined people looking at me thinking, "This uncool guy can't figure out how to get the new hip belt off." It felt like forever before I just yanked as hard as I could and broke the stupid trendy belt. And put it right back on the rack. I left humiliated. Deflated. And feeling uncooler than usual. But WHY ARE WE TRYING TO REINVENT THE BELT?

I got stuck in a bra once too...

Republican seen driving Prius

I'm reminiscing... watching old clips of John McEnroe yelling at judges-- here is a good one to watch.

Is there a single republican that owns a Prius? You have never seen a Prius with a McCain bumper sticker. That is a democrat car. You can even tell by the models. I have a friend that just bought a "Hillary 08" instead of the "Obama Hope" one… she thinks the Hillary Prius will never quit. They made a republican Prius but there was no way to exit the thing. And the gun rack was covering the moon roof.

What's it gonna take--- a $7 gallon? It's official... President Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, according to a new poll-- he's at a 28% approval rate. What does Bush have to do to lose the last 28%. What does he have to bomb Switzerland? Club baby seals on the White House lawn? That 28% are just hanging in there... I want to live in a world where the gas prices go down and the president's approval goes up.

Meanwhile, Exxon Mobile posted an $11 billion first quarter profit. Guess the high price of gas is affecting them-- in a good way. Boy, I hope they can afford to fill up their tanks.

And finally, I wish I was creative enough to make this up... Yesterday I got recognized by a mime. Fresh off an audition, he came up to me in the white face makeup and all and said, "Hey you're Orny Adams." And I said, "Are you supposed to be speaking?" But how odd-- to be at a coffee shop and have that freak of performing art approach you. I was kind of startled... wish he had mimed out my name. I realized I could never be a mime-- because I can't NOT talk. I would be the mime that would would never shut up!

Grand Old F**K

I knew something was bothering me but I couldn't figure it out. And then I just started to sing... and the collective frustration streamed out of me. I'm sure I missed something...

This week's "Orny Inside the Insider"

Here is my latest segment for THE INSIDER -- that we are calling for now, "Orny Inside the Insider." It was a tough week-- four for four of my top stories got censored for one reason or another. This is all part of working for TV-- transforming myself for a new medium and playing with a new set of rules. I am enjoying it, but my ego would like a banner going across the screen that says, "Orny could be much funnier if he could say everything he wanted." And believe me, nothing I wanted to talk about is even that edgy-- NONE of it would be offensive to anybody born after 1812.

Me inside THE INSIDER

This is my latest piece for The Insider TV show...

My first fashion show for Entertainment Tonight

Entertainment Tonight sent me into one of the most uptight cultures -- the world of fashion-- and I couldn't take it seriously at all. Some girl named Lauren Conrad from the MTV reality show "The Hills" was showing her new line of clothing. So I interviewed her and her friends from the show. And tried to have some fun. The real champ was Lisa Rinna from "Dancing With The Stars" -- she rocks!

Tips for going missing and avoiding getting killed

As sometimes happens in my comedy, the funny is lost in a serious message I am compelled to get out. I believe wholeheartedly every word and premise I postulate in this piece... but topics of death and missing children are inflammatory to say the least. I am just the messenger. This has long frustrated me and I have never been able to make my thoughts work on stage... as is evident from the few clips including in this piece. You can hear the uneasy laughter. I dedicate this blog to all the missing or murdered people that do not get the proper media coverage they deserve.




Here is a link to Elizabeth Shoaf's story that aired on Dateline. (I still think she looks like a Nicole.)

Here is a link to the story about Mechele the stripper who got convicted of killing Kent the fisherman... perhaps for money. NO WAY! Really. Can't be true!

Wikipedia: Missing White Woman Syndrom

Chasing paparazzi chasing Britney-- my new Entertainment Tonight piece...

I almost died and got beat up on this one... so enjoy.

ET assignment: My ride along with paparazzi chasing Britney

Yesterday I spent all day chasing Britney Spears and other celebrities on assignment for Entertainment Tonight. It's not a glamorous job. I went in there thinking I could make a funny piece-- but these guys DO NOT JOKE around. And they let you know you are an outsider. I rode with Craig Williams from Hollywood.tv and he was very kind to me. It's a controversial job and their position is twofold: stars like Britney WANT to be shot (she does roll down her window at times to let them get a clear shot) and if the public didn't have such an insatiable appetite for this stuff-- they would be out of business. They shun the word paparazzi and euphemize their profession calling themselves "Content Providers". You pass your own judgment. I was just along for the ride.

Orny at Oscars party for Entertainment Tonight

Right now I am on the front page of ET online. If I somehow move to lower on the page-- here is the permanent link. Orny Adams at The Oscars

Brain Noise announcement.... Orny partners with CBS

I have been keeping quiet about this. But I have partnered with CBS to create some Brain Noise type content. My first video will be up later today at ETonline.com.

Orny vs The Panda

I'm out of the viral game! Done. What was supposed to be an exciting event in my life... having a video featured on the front page of Myspace.com turned into a harsh reality and wake up call for me. Watch and learn.



Other names for this blog could be:

• Panda’s ass more interesting than me
• Panda Butt 235,512 --- Orny’s Butt 6,986
• Orny vs Panda. Panda wins pants down
• Panda video is even better the third time you watch it
• Why video blogging sucks
• In the cyber world I am a loser
• This is what’s wrong with the internet
• Is that really a panda?
• Get me a pole. I can do that!
• I give up
• Who represents that panda?
• I thought the panda was over acting
• This is why I hate the world
• If you passed along the link for the panda video you should not be allowed to vote in the presidential election or American Idol
• I thought panda butt scratch video was far too short

Here's a link to "Dog's NOT on Leashes" blog: Dogs NOT on Leashes

My lunar eclipse experience

Well I did it. I went out and looked at this lunar eclipse that everybody kept insisted I go see. The next one is in 2010. But what I wanted to see... I didn't see...

Another three day weekend?

I mean come on! Enough is enough. Let's work. President's Day-- do we really need to celebrate it... this year?

Happy Valentine's Day Gary Coleman

Gary Coleman brought us so much joy and laughter in the 80s... and then things got tough for him. But this Valentine's Day he is the happiest man in the world. And I'm happy for him!

Zoo in Palm Desert, CA

Just a quick update from my trip to Palm Desert, CA. I never intended to become the animal correspondent-- but this apparently is the direction my career has taken me. This morning I went to the zoo and was reminded of that deadly tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo. (Go full volume on this clip.)

Lipstick Jungle... did you miss it?

There was a major TV event this week. The premier of Lipstick Jungle and NBC gave the new show the all out push. I doubt you missed it. But in case you did... here is my play by play of the minutes leading up to the premier.

Dogs NOT on Leashes

I have a slight fear of dogs running up to me... this is my story. This is one vlog I really wish I could watch individually with each of you-- it's fun to me-- and I would love to see your reaction. Enjoy. And spread the Noise.
Oa

My Really Super Super Tuesday

Dreams can come true. Look who called me to get out and vote for Obama.

Just a little over two weeks into this Brain Noise venture...

and RIGHT NOW, my "Superbowl 2008 Essay" vlog is featured on the frontpage of MyspaceTV.com and Funnyordie.com. And the "Q & A with Oa" vlog is featured on the front page of Myspace Comedy. I am very proud and grateful for such exposure so early on. Thank you all for helping me spread the Noise. It's only going to get louder.
Oa

The Real Superbowl Losers...

The biggest losers had to be the AD AGENCIES. Some of the worst ads I have ever seen. I was going to review the best ads, but I can not even think of one! I’m really sorry that this technology that can make babies look like they’re talking came along. Now it’s in all these commercials. Talking babies are stupid. Babies can’t talk, and if they could they wouldn’t be talking about E Trades. They have more pressing issues like why is there a scary clown at my party?

Because of such a disgusting show of lack of creativity and outrageous hackneyed humdrum (I think everything was either bodily secretions-- the baby puked in the E Trade ad-- or contrived, seen before sexual overtness), I am asking you to boycott the following products:

1. E Trade
2. Planters Nuts-- wow was that a horrible and unrealistic payoff
3. Cars.com-- for the shrinking head thing.
4. Wall E (some stupid movie that made me realize if massive amounts of people go see this-- I do not belong in this world.)
5. G2 (Gatorade) Gatorade is dog's best friend. It is probably harmful to a dog.
6. Taco Bell for using cliche sexual gestures that we have seen a million times before.
7. Bridgestone because they did not hit Richard Simmons.
8. Tide To Go... the talking stain looked like a penis. I would prefer a more female looking stain.

And then there was one for Amp Energy-- in this ad a goofy, overweight, white guy dancing (have we seen this before???) puts jumper cables to his nipples and jump starts a girls car... while chugging Amp Energy for power. I CAN NOT WAIT to hear about some buffoontard actually trying to do this. It will happen. And I hope they tape it for Youtube. Get ready for the lawsuit Amp.

So many Budweiser ads that my Corona started to taste like a Budweiser. I want a horse now.

The closest thing to funny was the Careerbuilder.com ad where a womans heart jumped out of her chest and went into the bosses office and quit. And even that didn't do much for me. But the initial action of the heart jumping out of her blouse and onto her keyboard was funny. (Although I would've rather seen her vagina jump out and quit. We've never seen that in an ad before. And I would suspend my protest of overt use of sex in ads to see that.)

Absent were all political ads. It would have been nice to tie in Superbowl Sunday with Super Tuesday. WHAT A SUPER WEEK!

If you want to pain yourself and see any of these ads as a point of reference to my above commentary, they are all on
Myspace.com

(And as I take a deep breath, I disappear back into my brain.)
Oa

Steve Martin Book Review

The Orny Book Club is back with a strong recommendation for Steve Martin's "Born Standing Up." And here is some suggestive read from my blog ComedyWonk.com: "How to be upstaged by a star like Robin Williams."

My Superbowl Essay 2008

Symbols and reminders of the Superbowl are everywhere. Did you know that watching the game can be dangerous?

You Tell Me

I want to thank all of you for stopping by and for watching and reading. This Brain Noise experiment feels very special to me. Each piece, as time goes by, seems to be infused with more and more of my voice. In fact, I am finding myself in these things. This is ME directly communicating with YOU. So I want to open the comments below to discussion; Tell me what you like and what you want to see more of. I'm excited to make Brain Noise your daily destination.

Help me spread the Noise.

Oa

The Most Unbelievable Thing Happened to Me

This is an absolute first for me. And yes, I am bragging.

The People Problem... Not Housing Problem

Is there a really a housing crisis or is it a people crisis?

Rain rain go away...

We have had more rain this week in Los Angeles than we had all last year-- or they lied to us on the news. Either way... CUE THE MUDSLIDES!

Heath Ledger, The Real Tragedy

My thoughts on what we need to know and what we deserve to know about Heath Ledger's death. And in a rare moment I discuss sports.

Q & A with Oa (Round #1)

You asked. I answered. Q & A round #1.

Shame of Using Coupons

Maybe I'm the only one a little self conscious about using coupons in stores... maybe not. Talking about coupons and rebates on this one.

The New BRAIN NOISE Banner... and Why

Brain Noise has gone BIG TIME with its own banner. This is how I spent half my my weekend. And now I am going to waste half my morning shaving... I hate shaving... watch and learn why...
Oa

How much bigger are sales receipts going to get?

This is a VIDEO BLOG that was inspired by a HUGE, waste of paper, sales receipt I got shopping at CVS pharmacy. I didn't even get to touch upon those ridiculous scrolls you get when you shop at an electronics store. One receipt I got was so big it had a trunk.

Oa

FIRE SALE: A bad time to advertise (on the internet)

Why I'm rooting for Myspace

I can't figure out Facebook for the life of me. Somebody threw a donkey at my last night! Whatever that means. And I keep getting poked-- which is not necessarily a sexual thing-- too bad. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I tried to upload a video or customize my page like Myspace to no success. I am embarrassed by my Facebook page. It's got nothing on there and yet more and more people are driven to it than my Myspace. And whatever happened to Friendster-- what did they do so wrong that they are the Alta Vista of social networking? The main problem with Myspace is the barrage of advertising. Ok, you want me to say it, I'll say it-- I can't keep up. You win technology-- you win kids with all your free time, zits, hormones, fast metabolism, hope, donkey throwing, hyperactive ADD, and web brilliance. I bow out.

Stop Wrting Books!

Stop writing books-- let us catch up! There are too many books. Too many books I still have to read... from high school. I haven't even finished reading some of the original classics. And each year new books are added to the classics list. Maybe we need to remove some books from the classics shelf? Moby Dick-- no longer a classic! Sorry Melville, but we have the "Kite Runner" now.

Bottom line, there’s too much to read. (Including what you are reading right now.) Everyday someone tells me another book "I have to read." "You've gotta read it, I wasn't able to put it down." And I read a lot of these books that are "supposed to change my life." And they don't. I'll see a profile on someone and they'll say something like, "I thought of Google when I was reading 'The art War." I read it-- NOTHING. Not one life change thought. So what now? Read more?

It’s an impossible task. I have a stack of books that just keeps getting taller and taller and dustier and dustier. And it’s getting worse-- every year people keep writing new books. It’s not gonna stop. Maybe we should stop writing new ones and all catch up. It’s getting ridiculous. There are more classics I have to read than my parents had to. And my kids will have to read more than I did.

And nobody wants to read that much. Even as a kid you would watch the movie instead of reading the book for class. I’m sure it’s always been like that… "Did you read the New Testament?" "Nah, I read the old one- couldn't get through it- it wasn't that realistic- I kept falling asleep... I know it was on the New Jerusalem Times bestseller list." I imagine this dialogue played out: "Did you read Shakespears latest?" "Nah, I'll wait until it comes out on play."

Pencils down.