I got stuck in a belt yesterday

I got stuck in a belt yesterday. I was in a trendy store that I felt out of place in and... are you supposed to try the belt on before you buy it? I never see people trying them on and they don't let you take them into the dressing room. I always say the same thing when they tell me that, "Then how am I supposed to steal it?" And it NEVER gets a laugh. But it's one of those jokes I like to tell to amuse myself. Another one-- I tell woman I have the same purse-- never gets a laugh either-- but it's for me. This belt was some sort of cloth belt with a toothy clasp that in an odd way secured the cloth. Or rather, locked it down and I couldn't find the releasing mechanism. I have the old version of a clothy belt with a toothy clasp as pictured above.

Well, I just wanted a general idea of how big the belt was so I tried it on over my shirt like a girl in a Cyndee Lauper video. (Ignoring the ONE SIZE FITS ALL tag-- not buying into that! There is NO way one belt can fit every sized person!) Then the clothy thing wouln't unclasp. I was stuck. I panicked. My hands scrambling to find a release button or something. I felt claustrophobic. I was in the middle of the store-- the trendy store-- and I was pretty sure I didn't have the right sneakers on (I bought them 6 months ago). I imagined people looking at me thinking, "This uncool guy can't figure out how to get the new hip belt off." It felt like forever before I just yanked as hard as I could and broke the stupid trendy belt. And put it right back on the rack. I left humiliated. Deflated. And feeling uncooler than usual. But WHY ARE WE TRYING TO REINVENT THE BELT?

I got stuck in a bra once too...

Republican seen driving Prius

I'm reminiscing... watching old clips of John McEnroe yelling at judges-- here is a good one to watch.

Is there a single republican that owns a Prius? You have never seen a Prius with a McCain bumper sticker. That is a democrat car. You can even tell by the models. I have a friend that just bought a "Hillary 08" instead of the "Obama Hope" one… she thinks the Hillary Prius will never quit. They made a republican Prius but there was no way to exit the thing. And the gun rack was covering the moon roof.

What's it gonna take--- a $7 gallon? It's official... President Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, according to a new poll-- he's at a 28% approval rate. What does Bush have to do to lose the last 28%. What does he have to bomb Switzerland? Club baby seals on the White House lawn? That 28% are just hanging in there... I want to live in a world where the gas prices go down and the president's approval goes up.

Meanwhile, Exxon Mobile posted an $11 billion first quarter profit. Guess the high price of gas is affecting them-- in a good way. Boy, I hope they can afford to fill up their tanks.

And finally, I wish I was creative enough to make this up... Yesterday I got recognized by a mime. Fresh off an audition, he came up to me in the white face makeup and all and said, "Hey you're Orny Adams." And I said, "Are you supposed to be speaking?" But how odd-- to be at a coffee shop and have that freak of performing art approach you. I was kind of startled... wish he had mimed out my name. I realized I could never be a mime-- because I can't NOT talk. I would be the mime that would would never shut up!

Grand Old F**K

I knew something was bothering me but I couldn't figure it out. And then I just started to sing... and the collective frustration streamed out of me. I'm sure I missed something...

This week's "Orny Inside the Insider"

Here is my latest segment for THE INSIDER -- that we are calling for now, "Orny Inside the Insider." It was a tough week-- four for four of my top stories got censored for one reason or another. This is all part of working for TV-- transforming myself for a new medium and playing with a new set of rules. I am enjoying it, but my ego would like a banner going across the screen that says, "Orny could be much funnier if he could say everything he wanted." And believe me, nothing I wanted to talk about is even that edgy-- NONE of it would be offensive to anybody born after 1812.

Me inside THE INSIDER

This is my latest piece for The Insider TV show...

My first fashion show for Entertainment Tonight

Entertainment Tonight sent me into one of the most uptight cultures -- the world of fashion-- and I couldn't take it seriously at all. Some girl named Lauren Conrad from the MTV reality show "The Hills" was showing her new line of clothing. So I interviewed her and her friends from the show. And tried to have some fun. The real champ was Lisa Rinna from "Dancing With The Stars" -- she rocks!

Tips for going missing and avoiding getting killed

As sometimes happens in my comedy, the funny is lost in a serious message I am compelled to get out. I believe wholeheartedly every word and premise I postulate in this piece... but topics of death and missing children are inflammatory to say the least. I am just the messenger. This has long frustrated me and I have never been able to make my thoughts work on stage... as is evident from the few clips including in this piece. You can hear the uneasy laughter. I dedicate this blog to all the missing or murdered people that do not get the proper media coverage they deserve.




Here is a link to Elizabeth Shoaf's story that aired on Dateline. (I still think she looks like a Nicole.)

Here is a link to the story about Mechele the stripper who got convicted of killing Kent the fisherman... perhaps for money. NO WAY! Really. Can't be true!

Wikipedia: Missing White Woman Syndrom

Chasing paparazzi chasing Britney-- my new Entertainment Tonight piece...

I almost died and got beat up on this one... so enjoy.

ET assignment: My ride along with paparazzi chasing Britney

Yesterday I spent all day chasing Britney Spears and other celebrities on assignment for Entertainment Tonight. It's not a glamorous job. I went in there thinking I could make a funny piece-- but these guys DO NOT JOKE around. And they let you know you are an outsider. I rode with Craig Williams from Hollywood.tv and he was very kind to me. It's a controversial job and their position is twofold: stars like Britney WANT to be shot (she does roll down her window at times to let them get a clear shot) and if the public didn't have such an insatiable appetite for this stuff-- they would be out of business. They shun the word paparazzi and euphemize their profession calling themselves "Content Providers". You pass your own judgment. I was just along for the ride.

Orny at Oscars party for Entertainment Tonight

Right now I am on the front page of ET online. If I somehow move to lower on the page-- here is the permanent link. Orny Adams at The Oscars